PITTSBURGH, PA - University of Pittsburgh Dean of Students Velveeta Lugosi-Smith declared that the school “has finally achieved 100% diversity” following the departure of Edward Johnson, 19, the college’s last male undergraduate. The student make-up is now entirely female.
Mr. Johnson explained that he dropped out of college in order to deliver pizzas full-time for his brother-in-law’s pizza shop. “I can just as easily play video games and surf the Web for porn without paying tuition,” he confided. Mr. Johnson did not elaborate because, he said, “I’m going to go [masturbate] now.”
Female student residents at Litchfield Towers, Mr. Johnson’s former dormitory, did not welcome the news. ”The women will miss having Johnson,” said sophomore Carla Vanga.
Junior Vanessa McBride lamented: “This used to be a co-ed dorm. Without Ed, it’s just a ‘co-’ dorm.” Molly Yard, Jr., president of the University’s Students Against Men and Rape, is also unhappy: “As long as Johnson was here, our women knew in the back of their minds that they had someone to accuse of sexual assault. Now what are they going to do? Fortunately, we can still rely on purported strangers not enrolled in the school, not to mention the theory of ‘recovered memories’ to blame Pitt’s former male students for past assaults. Nevertheless, the school’s administration really needs to make a concerted effort to recruit a new crop of males.”
Dean Lugosi-Smith said the school will try several things to attract males. “We definitely want that gender balance thing,” she rolled her eyes. “For starters, in our required course Historical Atrocities of Men and the Patriarchy Against Women, we’re going to serve beer and allow them to sit in a special section in the back of the room behind a black curtain – they’ll be able to fart and scratch their testicles and no one will have to look at them.”